Dear Hair

Dear Hair,

You smell sensational!!!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Work

Dear Work,

I don't want to be here today...I just want you to know that.

I have a headache that could possibly be a carry-over from Saturday night...and I just really would rather be laying in my bed with my Kindle. (I be nerd lovin' my Kindle, like whoa!)

Anyway...I'm going to try to be productive today, but don't expect to much... Okay?

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Everyone

Dear Everyone,

It never happened...but, MAN, I can tell a good story, can't I? So convincing...

Hey, you, thanks for going along with it. 'Twas fun!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Netflix

Dear Netflix,

Buffer faster!

Please?

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Drink

Dear Sledgehammer,

It's been....interesting...but, while I still have not thrown up from drinking you (Haha, boy! Haha!), you made me hallucinate like crazy, and I'm not okay with that.  Also, there was the little matter of my tongue & lips going numb...We almost had too much fun last night, my friend.

Thanks for the memories.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Creep

Dear Creep,

AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[No fucking]Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Boss

Dear Boss Man,

I need a raise. Nooo... not that kind of raise. Well...maybe that kind of raise... but I really need a monetary raise. Can you help me out there?

*gets on knees and begs* Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaseeeeeeee...

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S. Yes...I know...grovelling is so attractive.

Dear Clock

Dear Alarm Clock,

Why must you be so loud & intrusive? Jerking me out of my first night of peaceful sleep in over a week... *whimpers*

[I really don't]Looove[you],
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

P.S.

P.S.

I read the conversation between you and my ex-husband. Naughty, naughty...

Dear Boy

Dear Cute Boy,

You're cute...yes...but, in all fairness, our fees should have been disclosed to you when you opened the account. Beyond that point, if you forget, I think that should be on you.

No...if it were up to me...you would not get your money back.  Ain't I mean?

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Jackass

Dear Jackass,

It's called a fucking STOP sign. Thank you for trying to kill me & the little boy in your truck. Fucker.

[No]Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S. So glad my brakes work...even if there might be marks on the road...

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

*insert something terribly rude, that would probably earn me a voodoo curse-and you, an evil stare-here*

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S. *insert something inappropriate here, for good measure...since I'm already in trouble, anyway*

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Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

I know you are out there... I see you all... I'm like Big Brother. (or maybe more like Big Sister?) How's abouts you leave me a comment? Let me know what you think... You can be anonymous (if you're a chicken), or you can sign your name, log in, whatevs... Just leave me a little note. Tell me...which letters are your favorites? Do the post-scripts confuse you, or are they all part of the game?

I write all these sweet little looove notes, and no one ever writes back. (Well...some of you do...like Lorraine...because she's the bomb.com. I should send her a cupcake!)

Hop to it!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Pants

Dear Pants,

Please behaive today. I know you already have a hole...in an undesirable area... and, unfortunately, I couldn't find any undies this morning...  Prime opportunity for a wardrobe malfunction...but let's not. Okay?

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear My Life

Dear My Life,

Have I told you "Fuck you." lately? No?

Fuck you.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Body

Dear Body,

Why won't you sleep? Rather...why won't you sleep when you are supposed to? Your schedule is getting all fucked up again, and that's not a good thing. When you don't sleep, your mind starts wandering into dangerous territory.  Please straighten out.

I don't need this.

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S.

P.S.

I miss dancing.

Dear Kid

Dear Kid,

This bed! Soooooo comfy! Thanks for letting me borrow it...even though you know nothing about it.

Looove,
Miss Kim.

P.S. There are weird noises & shadows in here...in case you never noticed.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Man

Dear Man,

You succeeded in annoying the Hell out of me tonight. And you do NOT know me well enough to talk to me the way you were. Respect for my elders made me bite my tongue, but if there is a next time, I won't.

Looove,
Kimmie.

P S. No chance in Hell with me. Thanks, though.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

P.S.

P.S.

I can't wait to see you!

Dear Dealer

Dear Dealer,

Today was not a good day for you to pick to email me. I almost feel bad for being rude.

Almost...

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Girl

Dear Little Girl,

Sometimes, you are so much like me, that I think you are my soul child or something. Sometimes...I want to treat you as if you are my child and jerk a knot in your head...but I love you all the same.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Girl

Dear Girl,

I considered sending you something. I found the cutest dinosaur necklace at Etsy. The first time I saw it, I thought about you. That was almost a year ago. Then, there was a ring I found that I just know you would love...I didn't get that either.

Truth be told, I think about you every now and then. I miss the friends we were a long, long time ago... before all the "cracks".  Sadly, we haven't been those girls since far before all of this. It's a shame.

I hope you have a very, very Happy Birthday.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Sir

Dear Sir,

If it was then, like it is now, it probably wouldn't be like it is now. Then again...it might not make a difference at all.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Ladies

Dear Ladies,

You annoy me. Possibly because I'm in heat...but most likely not. All your little nitpick-y gossipping, and your talk about the flood is getting old.

Perhaps one of you has an ice pick I can use to gouge out my ear drums? Thanks. I'd appreciate it!

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S.  You could also just try shutting up. That'd work too...

Dear Hair

Dear Hair,

I wish you would make up your mind! Either be completely straight, or be completely curly...this half-way in the middle frizzy ass shit is pissing me off. (Though...if I could make a suggestion...I'd prefer you be completely curly...I miss you curly.)

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S. I looove the way you shine in the sun. :)

P.S.

P.S.

You disturb me. A lot.

P.S.

P.S.

You managed to restore my faith in men with one statement about yourself. Kudos.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Cunt

Dear Cunt,

I wonder how you feel when you have to face someone you blatantly lied to...and you know...that they know you lied...

You looked a little nervous...I kinda liked that.

[No]Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

I'm really intrigued about you and this piano... I'm a sucker for a man that knows how to play. I'd like to hear you sometime. You can come to my house! :)

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S.

P.S.

I still love you more than you will ever know.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Brain

Dear Brain,

Please shut off so I can go to sleep... My eyelids are so heavy, but when I close them, you are still going a millionty places at once. It makes me weary...

It's bedtime, now.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Bill Me Later

Dear Bill Me Later,

Ooooh...you are an evil one, my dear.  Tempting me to shop when I haven't the funds...reeling me in with the promise of 6 months, no payments, no interest...Sweetening the deal with free shipping and first time shopper discounts.... Ooooh...you are evil....but you are good...

You should be ashamed...but you aren't... We are quite alike...with our sweet deals and incentives....or something... (read: being so evil yet so good... Heh! Heh! Heh!)

Still....you know...

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S.

P.S.

I kinda liked it. ;)

Dear Boss

Dear Boss Lady,

I'm going to pretend, for your sake, that when you ask me questions like that...it's because you are testing me...not because you really don't know.

Even though we both know better...

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Women

Dear Women,

What the hell is wrong with you two this morning?!?! Neither of you have shut up. I do not care to hear your voices all damn day!

I have an idea! Go home...where you are by yourself...record yourself talking (about whatever you would like), then bring ear phones to work and play it back. There! Now, you can hear yourself talk all you like...and I don't have to hear a worddddd....

Ugghhhhh!

Looove,
Crabby Kimmie.

Dear Weather

Dear Weather,

It's the middle of fuh-reaking May! It should NOT be this nippley in my rooooom!

Warm up! Un poquito, por favor!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

P.S.

P.S.

I believe you owe me, sir.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Puss

Dear Puss,

I miss you terribly. I miss your sand paper tongue on the end of my nose. I miss your happy biscuits & little purr. I miss you snuggling with me at night.

I hope I can find a place to live soon so you can be with me. I love you, little puss-child.

Looove,
Mommy.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Kimmie

Dear Kimmie,

You are a smart girl. You know that you are your own worst enemy. Why, then, do you keep doing this to yourself?

Common sense, Kimmie. Please.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Pants

Dear Under Pants,

Please stay where you belong, or I will throw you out. The end.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Parts

Dear Lady Parts,

Please stop hurting! You make me want to cut you out!

Although...that would kill two....birds...with one stabby-rip-stab-stab...

Keep that in mind!

Looove [but not really],
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

It seems to be constantly pointed out that we have so much in common... Most recently? Our love for meat sticks.

Impressive...I know.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Man

Dear Man,

You know that thing you asked me about? Yeah....it happened...it was kinda interesting...

That is all...

Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Children

Dear Small Children,

Thank you for re-affirming my decision to never have kids.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Sir

Dear Sir,

Come snuggle me. It's ok. I won't tell your girlfriend. ^.^

I even made room on the action mattress. Heh heh heh!

Looove [and snuggles!],
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Cheater

Dear Cheater,

It's cheating if the cross you bear has a wheel. Just letting you know....

Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Sir

Dear Other Sir,

You're smile is so contagious. When I see it, I can't help but smile back...even if it's just at a picture. Ruhtarded...I know... You shouldn't be so cute.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Sir

Dear Sir,

Even after all these years, when you call me "baby", it makes me feel loved and happy.

Thank you.

Looove,
Kimmie

Dear Stalker

Dear Stalker,

You need to get a life and stop stalking. It's creepy. Seriously.

Looove,
Kimmie [and everyone else you stalk]

Dear Boy

Dear Cute Boy,

That dream...Oooh that dream...

Thank you for entertaining me so.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Bed

Dear Bed,

I've been thinking about you. I'll be coming for you soon.

I only wish there was a cute boy to snuggle with...preferably of legal age...who smells really yummy...and has really nice strong arms to hold me tight.

...and maybe he could be rich and like to give me money? I can trade sexual favors! *giggle*

Oh well....I made you...I must to sleep in you...alone.

For now.

Looove [and see you soon!],
Kimmie.

Dear Job

Dear Job,

Ugh...

That is all.

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S. I can't believe I have been with you for 5 years! (So....obviously...that wasn't all.)

That is all.

Dear Dumbass

Dear Dumbass,

Being rude (and a dumbass) will get you nowhere (but the bottom of the stack) fast.

Don't be a dick.

[Tough]Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Mouth

Dear Mouth,

Apparently...there's a leak...as evidenced by the Eau de Vitamin Water I'm now wearing in my cleavage. I really appreciate that...thanks.

You should probably get that fixed.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Boss

Dear Boss Lady,

I can't believe you told me to bite you! I'm appalled!

Actually...it was pretty damn funny! *giggle*

You're cool.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Work

Dear Work,

I am DEFINATELY earning me keep these days. How about increasing my "keep"? No? You sure? That's kinda what I figured...

Dang it!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Everyone

Dear Everyone,

I can be a bitch...at times...and I've been told that it comes across quite nicely...without even having to try.

...Even the dumb ones have to pick up on it...(especially because we all know that they aren't as dumb--or innocent--as they like to pretend).

I just wanted to warn you all...because...sometimes I'm a nice girl. Some of you know that. Very well.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Mother

Dear Mother Nature,

Shame on you! Again! No warning or anything?!?! I see you've been flexing your bitch muscles again...

Ugh...

[Very little]Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Mother

Dear Mother Nature,

Shame on you! Shame. On. You. It's not polite to threaten the lives & livelihood of all these people with the Mighty Mississippi. You are causing panick and stress.

While I'm not panicking or stressing at the moment, I'm trying to be prepared. Packing pictures, jewelry and other important belongings.

...I only hope nothing happens while I have a trunk full of sex toys...

Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Woman

Dear Woman,

Your fake laugh is annoying...and fake. Everyone knows you're always a bitch...so there's no need to pretend.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

The fact that you were jealous means something...I'm not sure what, exactly, but it does

Just something to think about. God knows that I can't stop thinking about it.

FML.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Sir

Dear Sir,

You really shouldn't talk to me like that. It's terribly inappropriate...not to mention there's that girlfriend. She probably wouldn't like either of us very much if she knew what you were saying to me. Tsk tsk....

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Werewolf Man,

Why don't you think I'm dead, yet?! Stop texting me!

Oy.

[No]Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

It's a shame you had a pang of conscience...again.

That is all.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Sir

Dear Sir,

It is SO cold in this house! I wish you were here to keep me warm...but since that can't happen, I'll just let my imagination warm me. *giggle*

Looove,
Kimmie.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

You are too cute! I will never live down the fact that I gave the cute boy too much money... At least you're honest and are bringing it back. Good boy.

Looove,
Kimmie

Dear Whomever

Dear Whomever,

"Gently used" was probably the wrong terminology... I sincerely hope you don't have a bandwidth limit...  If you do, perhaps you should consider securing that wireless network.

Thanks, though!

Looove,
Kimmie [and her music collection!].

Dear River

Dear River,

Keep on movin'. Worrying about you won't do anything to better the situation, but if you'll just keep moving, I think we'll be fine.

No dilly-dally-ing!!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Levee

Dear Levee,

Please stay strong.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Marine

Dear Marine,

I tend to have very dirty thoughts about you. I hope you're okay with that. ;)

Looove,
Kimmie.