Dear Whomever

Dear Whomever,

Thank you, kindly, for having an unsecured wireless network. I hope you don't mind my...uh...borrowing it. :)  I'll return it gently used. Swearsies!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Cupcakes

Dear Cupcakes that I Made on Sunday,

You were delicious! It's just a shame that I can't have you ever again. I'll be a little sad at first, I'll admit...but I'll dream of you often.

It was fun while it lasted.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Site

Dear Porn Site,

What the fuck? How did someone find my blog through you? I realize that I can be a bit inappropriate...and I've said "penis" and "fuck", but...geeze.

[Naughty]Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

I'm going to take a short hiatus, I believe. I have letters I'd like to write...but now is not the time...well...now is the time...but, though I have a penchant for being inappropriate, this is not the place.

Eventually, we all do what needs to be done for us. No amount of advice from others is going to sway us, until we make up our minds to do it.

I've been there before...and I'm sure many of you have too... For those of you there now...my heart breaks for you because I know it's not an easy decision to make...but it gets better.

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S. Until I return, I'll probably be found at Pimp My Cupcake. However, if you think you might be offended or unhappy by anything you happen to read there...I'd advise you not to click that link. I won't apologize.

Dear Monday

Dear Monday,

Why are you even here? I would rather still be sleeping...or call in dead to work, but unfortunately we're already going to be running a skeleton crew. It's pretty bad when the Senior VP of the bank is working a teller window.

Oy.

[Almost no]Looove,
Kimmie.

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Dear Lady

Dear Lady,

Lay off the jumping beans...I'm worried about your heart...

Looove,
Kimmie.

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Dear Ass

Dear Ass,

Your being mean to me is not going to make you want me any less...or your girlfriend like me any more...so...there's really no point.

I'm just sayin'.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Boy

Dear Little Boy,

I remember the day I fell in love with you. It felt as though my heart would explode into a million pieces, when I heard you laugh. I was looking at a picture on my phone from when you were a baby, today. I found the invitation I made to your 1st birthday party tonight, and I got a little misty-eyed. I can't believe you are 5 now, and you "have to grow up".

Please try to stay little as long as possible. You are growing entirely too fast.

[I]Looove[you],
Kim Kim

Dear Man

Dear Nice Man Who Gave Me a Compliment,

That was super nice and made me smile. Thank you.

Looove,
Kimmie.

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Dear Store

Dear Store,

Why must you be closed on the only day I can come to you? That is just rude.

[You get no]Looove,
Kimmie.

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Dear B,

Dear B,

This morning, I was putting on lotion, and the smell of lavender & vanilla reminded me of when I saw you in July. I couldn't help but smile. Our few visits were the only time I was happy there for a few months.

Thank you for that.

Looove[always],
Kimmie.

P.S. Sometimes, I wonder if you think about us--whatever "we" were--and smile.

Dear Pizza

Dear Breakfast Pizza,

You are yummy good with all your breakfast-y, pizza-y goodness. You also make my tummy very happy...and full. Yay!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

Damn...

Looove,
Kimmie.

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Dear Girl

Dear Other Little Girl,

"Today, I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to lay in my bed." Thank you so much for getting that song stuck inside my head. O.o I can't stop singing it...and that's the only flipping part I knowwww!!!! Oy...

I'm gonna go chill on the couch in my snuggie...maybe watch some MTV so they can teach me how to dougie...

*walks away shaking head*

Looove[anyway],
Kimmie.

Dear Ladies

Dear Ladies I Had Lunch With,

You are each funny on your own. But...put you two together...and I couldn't breathe! I wish I had lunch with you both everyday. Work would be much more bearable(even though I'm not sure if that's the correct spelling.).

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Steps

Dear Steps,

You are so mean...making me trip and skin my knee.  I don't remember skint knees hurting this bad when I was little. :(

[No]Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Girl

Dear Little Girl,

I heard...the most intriguing thing today... I heard that you "make it harder than a left turn downtown"... I'm not sure what "it" is, but it sounds pretty hard...Maybe dangerous, too.

What do you think?

Heh heh heh...

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Body

Dear Body That I Sleep Next to in My Dreams,

How I wish you were real... I know who you belong to, and that is one body I'll never really get to snuggle with, I'm sure. You do help me sleep better at night, though. Whenever I dream that I'm wrapped up in your arms, I sleep so sound and comfortably. I wake up in the morning a little sad that it's over, and you've gone away again.

Please come back to me everynight...even if it is just a dream...

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

I have been told that we should see if your truck will smoke my car.

Time and place? Heh! ;)

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Friend

Dear Friend,

It was so good to see you this weekend. I have missed your smiling face terribly. You are still my favorite. I think I love you the most because I as cute and sweet as you are, I have absolutely no desire to get in your pants.

Please don't disappear on us again...that girl doesn't have to be around for you to come see your family, you know...

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Boy

Dear Boy Driving My Car,

Please! PLEASE! Drive carefully and take care of her. You are the first person I have let drive her since she became mine...It's not that I don't think you are a good driver...and I know you are running a business, so you will be responsible....I think it's just that she's so far away...without me...*whimper*

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

You should not drive so fast around me. It just makes me want to floor it...and while fast driving does tingle my bits, a ticket (or worse) would not.

Also...I've been thinking, and as much as it pains me to say it... ...

*cough*I'mafraidyourtruckwouldsmokemycarfromadeadstandstill.*cough*

Looove[regretfully],
Kimmie.

P.S. Nobody likes a show-off. Hmph...

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Dear Drunks

Dear Drunk Ass Bitches I Had to Sit Next to at IHOP,

It is NOT okay to ask the waitress where the new dildo shop is. Also, it's not polite to discuss orgasms...or lack there of...at the table.

Looove,
Kimmie.

P. S. Ask the waitress to bring me some more sweet tea, would ya? I've asked 3 times...apparently she's thinking about dildos... *sigh*

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Dear Dude

Dear Dude,

I would like to...uh...how did you put it..."ride you like seabiscuit".

No lie.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Penis

Dear Penis,

I have begun to forget what you look like...This morning, I found a picture on my phone...and boy do I hope that you don't all look like that. It's kinda disappointing.

Oops.

Looove[anyway],
Kimmie.

Dear 2:00PM

Dear 2:00PM,

I hate you. Especially on a Wednesday when I have to relieve drive thru, and we are already short-handed a teller and a loan clerk, so I have to fulfill the duties of both.

Have I mentioned that I hate you?

[No]Looove[at all],
Kimmie.

Dear Lady

Dear Little Old Lady,

You are so cute, and always so sweet. Today, I think for the first time, I noticed your outstanding style. You came to the bank dressed in cream-colored, satiny pajama pants (with hot pink cotton shorts over them) and your blue flower-y pajama top (covered by a red flower-y smock type thing). I only hope I have style like you when I get to be 80.

I mean no disrespect, as I think you are so cute that I would like to just pick you up and hug you...but I couldn't stop giggling at those hot pink shorts!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Person

Dear Person,

I can't stop giggling. You proved my point. You think about it as much as I do. *giggle* (Ain't I cute all giggly?) ;)

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Night

Dear Clear Country Night,

You always remind me what I love about the country. No sounds except for the crickets chirping. A clear view of the star-filled southern sky. If I was a betting girl, I would bet this is what heaven is like.

The only thing that's missing is a blanket on the ground and someone holding my hand.

Thank you for calming my soul.

Looove,
Kimmie.

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Dear Stooges

Dear Stooges,

How do you lose a whole box of quarters? It's bigger than a brick, orange, and weighs a ton...

Get your act together...

Also...thanks for the money that no one signed for. I need some fancy ass rims for my car! :)

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear My Life

Dear My Life,

Fuck you.

That is all.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Sir

Dear Sir,

This morning, while I was slacking at work (because I'm obviously not still slacking...), I was looking through my email archives at some messages between you and I from a few months back...

It's pretty ridiculous how much they still make me smile and giggle...

I miss good conversation. Let's hang out.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Woman

Dear Woman,

Sometimes, I think you talk just to hear the sound of your own voice.  Please...just take a deep breath...

...and shut the hell up.

Thanks.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Dryer

Dear Dryer,

Why must you do such horrendous things to my bras?!?! The first time I forget they are in with my wet laundry, and dry them along with the rest of my clothes, you wreak havoc. Wtf?! Not cool!!

How does a bra fucking shrink?!

Ugh!!

[Absolutely no]Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Boy

Dear Boy from My Dreams,

I have no idea who you are, but you are amazing. You need to come back, for really reals...not just in dreamland.

You have, quite possibly, the most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen in my life...and the softest lips...and perfect jaw line...

Oh. Muh. Guh. Come back, please.

Looove,
Kimmie.

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Dear Friend

Dear Amazingly Awesome Friend,

You are amazingly awesome. You have been there for me...listening when I had husband drama, and now when I just want to ramble about anything(or one) and everything(or one).

Oh! And thank you times a millionty for opening your home & shower to me while we have no water.

You are definitely at the top of the super short list of my very best friends.

...and to think...I didn't think I'd like you at all when I first met you. Boy was I wrong! I love you, A.M.R.I.B.P.I.P. II!

Looove,
Kimmie.

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Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

Apparently, it's a bad thing that I find you....uh..."interesting"...but I'm not sure why...

...because some people have wanted me to find you...uh..."interesting" since day one.

Anyway...

Looove,
Kimmie.

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Dear Sir

Dear Sir,

I just saw an old picture of you. It's a couple of years old. You are so cute.

That is all.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Guy

Dear Internet-Fixer-Guy,

You are the bomb.com. Seriously! It took like...10 seconds for you to fix something that took the last guy 3 months to even get here to fix.

We...shall keep your phone number filed under "Awesome Internet Fixer Guy".

Thank you!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Junk

Dear Sinus Junk,

Please go away. You are making my throat hurt.

[No]Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Bloggers

Dear Bloggers,

I find you most entertaining. You feed my voyeuristic impulses by allowing me to live vicariously through your stories.

I feel your pain when you write about sad things. I giggle uncontrollably when you write about funny things. I nod my head in agreement with most of what you say.

I aspire to be able to captivate an audience they way you can with your stories. Until then, I'll just continue to write my little letters...

...and attract stalkers.

Looove[except for the stalkers],
Kimmie.

Dear Friday

Dear Friday,

I'm so over you.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Tornado

Dear Tornado,

Thank you for wiping out the water plant. I sincerely appreciate that. There's nothing more that I love in the world than having to take a "whore's bath" and go to work with dirty, skanky hair. You make all my dreams come true.

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S. That was sarcasm. Asshole.

Dear Guy

Dear (Extremely) Creepy Guy,

You...are extremely creepy. I wish you would just go away and never speak to me again. You give me the heebie jeebies. It used to bother me that you knew what kind of vehicle I drove. Now that I have a new one, I hope you haven't caught on, yet. I realize this town is small, but I don't know you like that...you shouldn't know me.

[No]Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S. You don't have to lean down and stick your face in the speaker to talk to me through the drive through. That just makes you look like a ruhtard. (...but if the shoe fits...)

Dear Motivation

Dear Motivation,

Come out! Come out, wherever you are! I need you to make it through this work day. I need to stop writing letters and get to work, but I can't find you anywhere!!!

...I have cookies!

Looove[if I could find you],
Kimmie.

Dear Musician

Dear Musician,

Your song is stuck in my head...and I don't know all the words. Bummer.

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S. I hope things work out, and I get to see you in May at the Crawfish Festival!

Dear Person

Dear Nail-Fixer-Person,

Why must you do such a craptastic job on my fingernails? I just got these done on Thursday, and they look like I've had them on for almost 3 weeks. They are lifting and look like crap. I pay you good, hard-earned money to make them look nice. AND I TIP YOU!

This is ridiculous! Take your time and do a good job. Please.

[Very little]Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Blog2Print

Dear Blog2Print,

I finally got in my printed blog! It's so nicely done! I can't wait until I have enough letters to print this blog.

As I said I would do, I deleted the entries from that blog, and am now setting it up to write my "stories" in.  For now, it shall remain as private as ever, but, I might share it eventually.

Thank you!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

You know you like it when I write you letters. Haha! It strokes your...uh...ego.

I thought I'd be embarrassed, but I just can't stop giggling.

I should probably be ashamed, but I'm not.

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S. Stop trying to pimp me out to your friends. I'm not interested. Thank you.

Dear Power

Dear Higher Power,

Please be with everyone that was affected by last night's storm. There was a lot of damage. These people have days & days of work in front of them, and year's of memories gone. Comfort them and give them strength. They are going to need both.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Stalker

Dear Stalker (#2),

Stop. Fucking. Stalking. Me.

Seriously!

One of the "search keywords" on my stats, was my fucking name. What the hell?

Stalkersssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok. That is all.

[No]Looove[for you],
Kimmie.

Dear Brain

Dear Brain,

I know you want me to write...but I can't write that stuff at work!! If you will just hang on to it for me until I get off...er...of work, then I'll take it.  There's some good stuff in there...great stuff...but I have nowhere to put it right now.

I think I need a mini computer or something...

Just sit tight!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Music

Dear Music,

Sometimes, you move me.

Sometimes, you make me move. (...like a little white girl with no rhythm...)

I love you.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Father

Dear Father (but not my father...),

Please use your curtains. It weirds me out that I can see into your bathroom...and while I can't see you using the bathroom, I know when you go in there, and how long it takes...and that's...weird.

So...yes...you have curtains. Use them.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Stalker

Dear Stalker,

What is it about me that fascinates you so? I kind of wish you would stop stalking me...because it's creepy. Some things you say make it so obvious. There are certain aspects of my life that you can't just "stumble upon"...you have to be looking for them. So...yeah...

Please stop. Kthxbai.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Boots

Dear Pink Camo Boots,

I love you dearly. However, you rub blisters like whoa on the back of my ankles. That makes me sad...Please try not to hurt me!

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S. I'm sorry I lost one of you in that mud hole tonight. O.o

Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

Sometimes, I'd like to kick you in the nuts. That is all.

Looove,
Kimmie.

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Dear Dog

Dear Dog,

You're cute. Really...you are...but you HAVE to get control of that gas!!!

Ugh!

Looove,
Kimmie.

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