Dear Man

Dear Man,

I know you don’t give two fucks about me other than what I can do for you, but the fact is: I’m a very sweet girl, and you know NOTHING about why I am single.

You can treat me like a dirty little whore behind closed doors, I might eventually submit to you…but it still remains that I’m a strong beautiful woman that deserves to be treated with respect, no matter what.

Yes. I was a completely heinous bitch this morning. Am I sorry? Perhaps. Am I going to apologize? No…because you don’t really care.

I tried to be nice when I woke you up. I let you sleep as long as I possibly could… Why? Because I’m a heinous bitch.

I came and MET you last night, to bring your drunk ass back to my house, so that you wouldn’t have to sleep alone… Why? Because I’m a heinous bitch.

I let you manhandle me (Yes. I fucking loved it.) knowing that I wasn’t going to get the fucking that I so badly wanted…so badly needed…that you fucking owe me. Why? Because I’m a heinous bitch.

I was a heinous bitch this morning because, for some reason, I will let you treat me like this over and over, knowing that you don’t really care, and that you SURE AS HELL don’t deserve MY submission.

So, mostly…I was mad at me…and I took it out on you…but, again, you don’t really care.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Douchebag

Dear Douchebag,

It’s adorable that YOU are ignoring ME or whatever…after spending 3 nights at my house...sleeping in my bed...eating my food…not getting me off a single time…of course, there WAS that matter of you not getting your dick up two of those nights… and I’m not even sure why you stayed the last night, but I DID notice that you took the bottle of whiskey that I bought… when you left out like your hair was on fire... You left your cane pole...and some ugly bruises that do NOT demonstrate your "dominance"...instead, that you are an asshole. You've definitely earned your merit badge.

Also…I stuck my neck out for you to get you a job with my dad…you probably should just go ahead and forget about that, as he tends to have a bit of a low-slacker tolerance, and very little patience.

To be fair, I'll give credit where due. You have a nice cock. I love your control when you're making me choke on it...making my eyes water and my mascara run down my cheeks. Love that you aren't a pussy like the other guys I've been with.

This is bullshit. And it's not even about any weird complicated feelings or amazing sex....because...let's face it...you are lacking in that department. You talk an excellent game, but you should REALLY work on your delivery.

Anyway, thanks for taking advantage of me and pretty much nothing else. At least you got laid.

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S.

P.S.

I tend to run away from things  (or people) because it scares me that I like them.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

Congratulations. You're in my fucking head.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

Fuck you for pulling that shit and making this morning about you.

[Less] Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Cute UPS Man,

I have a yummy cupcake with your name on it. Wink wink.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Skin

Dear Skin,

I'm not impressed with you acting like you're 13 again. This is not very grown up behavior. Straighten up!

Looove [anyway],
Kimmie.

Dear Libido

Dear Libido,

You really need to chill out. Not EVERYTHING is sexual... You're out of control!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Friend

Dear Old Friend,

This is going to be so much fun. I can't wait to see you.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

I pretty much want you...

...but then...I'm betting you know that...

Tease...

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Readers

Dear Readers,

I know I'm not around that much anymore, but I'm still here, I promise! Please don't be shy... leave me comments. I love comments. :)

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Girl

Dear Girl,

You're trying too fucking hard. You look desperate.

Even worse, he thinks its fun....but it's going no where.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Deer Man

Dear Man,

I play it off coolly, I think....but trust me, in my head, I'm on my knees. ;)

It's so hot.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

I'd like to give you....the presidential treatment...

;)

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Guy

Dear Guy,

It's ridiculous how much I miss you. I want to see that crazy mop of hair, and hear your voice. I met someone the other day, and his personality reminds me so much of you, it's crazy.

I hope you're well...

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Girl

Dear Girl,

It's petty and childish that it bothers me so much, but it's a sense of betrayal. Also, the fact that you haven't mentioned it speaks volumes. Man up.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

It makes me so sad to see you so....oblivious...and I miss you, dreadfully. I got pretty down when I saw you pass by today... I hate that.

Please remember me.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Guy

Dear Guy,

Are you...flirting... with me?

I kinda like it...

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Guys

Dear Guys,

Just because I HAVE a vagina doesn't mean you have to use it.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

I'm worth the effort.

You should have figured that out by now.

You might...too late.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear People

Dear People,

Go away. I'm trying to paint my nails!\

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

I want to see your face. Soon.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Girl

Dear Library Girl,

I will cut you.

Paper cut you.

That shit hurts.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

I felt that... But I commends you for not using it against me.

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S. Lazy isn't so bad.

Dear Girl

Dear Girl,

Are you...finally growing a set?! I'm kind of proud of you.

...kind of...

Now if you'll have a little respect for yourself and walk away, I'll give you a standing ovation.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

Here....let me turn the other cheek...

...so you can slap it too.

Asshat.

[No]Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Woman

Dear Woman,

Really? Did you just attempt to "tattle" on me when you were so obviously in the wrong?

Wow... Grow up.

I'm the boss, here.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

You're dumb. You should take a chance. What's life without risks?

Try me.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

You are breaking the rules. Please don't hurt me.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Men

Dear Men,

You two are kinda my favorites.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man in the big truck,

Your exhaust fumes are exhausting me! Blegh!! Kill it!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Kimmie

Dear Kimmie,

I have no idea who you are anymore. I think you've finally been broken...reached that point of not giving a fuck. This is not a good thing...

I hope I find you again...

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Woman

Dear Gorgeous Woman,

I think about you every day. I hope you are making it. Remember to take one day at a time and to hug those babies every chance you get. They will be your permanent link to him.

I love you, all.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

I wish you were easy to ignore.

I wish I didn't like you at all.

I wish you had never hit my radar.

I wish this wasn't so hard on my heart.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

I meant what I said... I always have.

I love you to pieces.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear You

Dear You,

Now THAT is what I'm talking about! *giggle*

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

I've had fun. I finally did something I've only fantasized about for years. I hope you get your life together...for your sake and the sake of those babies.

I hope I'm safe.

I'm done.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Instagram

Dear Instagram,

I think I'm addicted to you.

Oy...

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

I'd be glad to come help you "balance your drawers" a few afternoons a week! *giggle*

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

Dayum!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

I'm finally getting into the book you recommended...and I can't even discuss it with you because you went and got yourself locked up... Now, what?

Get it together, man!!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

I'm so glad I showed some restraint. It would not have been worth it.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Friends

Dear "Friends",

If we are going to do the whole, "with benefits" thing...there need to be some rules.

We can be friends. We can hang out and shoot the shit and then hop in the sack and rock each others' worlds.

However, there shall be:

No snuggling.
No holding me.
No brushing my hair back from my face.
No running your fingers through my hair.
No kissing me, if we're just hanging out.
No kissing my forehead, EVER.

Follow these few simple rules, and we'll get along (and off) just fine. I can handle friends with benefits as long as you don't blur the lines and then act like it's my fault I got attatched. It's not.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Girl

Dear Girl,

Stop over thinking! It is what it fucking is.

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S.

I wouldn't ask for more than you wanted to give...but I didn't expect a hit and run.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

What was that? Cupcake craving? Did you think I'd be that weak?

I could have been for a minute.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

Best. Ever.

If we never hang out again, thanks for that at least.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

Please don't rev up your bike in the drive thru....that, combined with your killer smile and naughty eyes, will make me have to change my panties!

...but then, you already knew that...

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Violin

Dear Violin,

I've pretty much made up my mind. I want to hear your song. I'm always in the mood for music.

...I just hope you like the way I play.

Looove [and anticipation],
Kimmie.

Dear You

Dear You,

Eye contact... It makes it difficult to breathe... But I'll gasp for air before I'll look away.

Looove,
Kimmie

Dear Man

Dear Man,

I'd love the opportunity to tell you, "No." It's probably good that I'll never get the chance.

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S.

P.S.

I know that my ex husband sent you a picture of his dick. He said you liked it.

Dear Girl

Dear Girl,

I don't understand why you stay with him. You know he cheats on you. You have other guys paying you attention. "Man up."

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Other Man,

Open your eyes and realize that I'm the kind of girl you are saying doesn't exist.

If you weren't so hung up on yourself, you'd probably realize that we do exist and that we are waiting for someone to notice.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

Who do you think you are? Hugh Fucking Hefner? I think not.

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S.

P.S.

I think it's pretty childish when you break up with someone by changing your relationship status on FB. I mean...really?!

Dear People

Dear People,

Grow the fuck up already!

Stop using social media to air your dirty laundry!

Address your problems at home!

Fuck!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

I'm pretty sure you just want to get in my pants because I'm a "young hot ass girl"...sadly...I'm okay with that....

Even though, I'm pretty sure you have me confused with someone else...I dunno...

Whatever... I'm down if you're down.

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S.

P.S.

You need to grow some balls.

Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

I seem to recall you saying it should have never happened... Can you explain to me, then, why it keeps happening?

I'm just wondering.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

Those kids are so CUTE! I could just punch them in the faces!

...but I won't.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Girl

Dear Girl,

Stop bitching about e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g!

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S.

P.S.

I love how sweet you are to me when no one else is around. I wish it was real life.

Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

I hate that I can't hate you at all....and you know it...and you use it against me.

Looove[anyway],
Kimmie.

Dear Bitch

Dear Bitch,

Don't catch an attitude with me because I asked you kindly for some honey mustard dipping sauce for my popcorn chicken. It's in your job description...and if you didn't want to bring it to me, you shouldn't have asked if I needed it. I'm just saying...

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Wolf-Man,

I hope you still think I'm dead... Karma almost caught up with me... But I should be safe once more.

[No]Looove[for you creepy stalker guy],
Kimmie.

Dear People

Dear Rude People at Sonic,

Please turn off your headlights so as not to blind other patrons.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Carhop

Dear Carhop,

I adore your colorful Mohawk!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Guy

Dear Guy,

You're a horrible liar.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Squatters

Dear Squatters,

That's disgusting!

Ewwww!
Kimmie.

Dear Creep

Dear Creepy Guy,

I'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't smack gum in my window.

Also...if you wouldn't smell bad when you come to the bank...

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

I should make you a birthday cupcake...

...or more than one... *giggle*

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S.

P.S.

I remember so much... I don't regret anything...but sometimes I wish I could forget the way you ran your fingers through my hair.

Dear Girl

Dear "Girl",

I love you, but I think you need to grow up...

[Tough] Looove,
Kimmie

Dear Camera

Dear Camera,

We need to go on a trip, you and I.  It will be huge amounts of fun. Let's make a playlist.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

Rawr.

That is all.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Guy

Dear Guy,

I need some you time... I'm so bored!

Let's hang out!

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Boy

Dear Boy,

I don't like you. I tolerate you. I hope you understand this.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Boy

Dear Boy (but not the boy of "Looove, Kimmie" fame...)

Get over yourself. Stop whining and carrying on like a teenage girl. You are not alone. Plenty of people like you...just not three ones you want to. You know what? It's not the end of the world.

Looove,
Kimmie.

P.S. Your pity party is not an excuse for you to be a douche bag.

Dear Guys

Dear Guys,

I get so tired of hearing you complain about there are no decent women out there....or that they are all attracted to the immature douchebags.  Ever stop to think that you are looking in the wrong places, or for the wrong women?

Let me take a moment to introduce myself...

Hi. I'm Kimmie. I'm most comfortable in my jeans, tshirt, and worn out Chuck Taylors. I'm a huge flirt, but it comes naturally...most of the time, I don't even realize I'm doing it, unless someone points it out to me. I like to go out every now and then, but I'd take a night in, cuddled up on the couch, watching movies, over going out, always. I'm socially awkward. I laugh too loud. My hair is a mess. I rarely wear makeup. I care too much. I love fully. I may not fit your idea of pretty, but I'm beautiful.

If you are the kind of guy that judges a girl from the outside, you know what? You'll keep finding the wrong ones...

Just sayin'.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

The more I think about it, the more I realize that either you are a douche or you are just as much a dumbass as your friend, there...

Whatever...I don't have time for you.

I said, "G'day!"

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

I would settle for your regret and jealousy...

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Dumbass

Dear Dumbass,

Go ahead and laugh... You. Have. No. Idea.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear You

Dear You,

I hope things are okay.

I hope we aren't just going to drift apart like every time before.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Man

Dear Man,

After some reflection, this morning, it's clear that you were as much of a "love-sick dork" as I was...

It wasn't all my fault... You need to use another excuse for your cowardess.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Lady

Dear Lady,

Wearing boots with your capris does not make them winter appropriate...

You're doing it wrong.

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Sir

Dear Sir,

You are incredibly naughty...and last night was terribly..."entertaining"... I can't wait for more. ;)

Looove,
Kimmie.

Dear Waitress

Dear Waitress,

You should really learn not to make inappropriate and rude remarks to customers when you work for tips.

Bitch.

Looove,
Kimmie.