12.30.2011
Dear Man
Naughty naughty... *giggle*
..but it's okay...because I've had a secret crush on you for a while. ;)
Looove,
Kimmie.
12.29.2011
Dear Girl
You are not "defying" us...you are costing yourself some really good friendships...over some bullshit.
Tsk tsk tsk...
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Woman
There is no reason for you to be so rough on my little toes! You made the skin go away on my big toe. What the hell is wrong with you?!?! (...besides your eyebriars...)
[No]Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Girl
I'd say I'm sorry for what I did...but I'd likely do it again...
Soo....perhaps...I'm sorry for not being sorry?
Looove,
Kimmie.
12.25.2011
Dear You
Dear You,
I can't believe it took nearly 8 years for that to happen...
I thought it would be different...I'm not sure how, exactly... I thought it would be weird... It really wasn't.
Merry Christmas!
Looove,
Kimmie.
12.20.2011
Dear Ass
I have zero respect for you at this point.
You are on thin ice.
Tread lightly.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
You will always be my "one that got away" I think... We were suppose to meet... You weren't even the "right" funny guy that was suppose to come to my party. I miss you. I miss us hanging out.
I compare everyone to you.
No one measures up.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Boy
You have been "demoted". I find it hard to call you a "man" when you won't "man up" and do what you need to do because you are a coward. You are waiting on someone else to do it for you.
I could very quickly tell her what I know about you and you what I know about her and that would probably take care of it, but it's not my responsibility...and I'm not going to worry about it anymore.
I slipped up a few weeks ago...but I promise I won't do it again.
I'm done.
Looove,
Kimmie.
12.16.2011
Dear Girl
Shame on you!
Shame. On. You.
I defended your "honor"... I'm so disappointed...and hurt...
Do what you have to do...but don't make me look like a fucking fool.
Looove,
Kimmie.
11.30.2011
Dear Santa
I've been really naughty this year...but truly, that's probably when I'm at my best...so don't hold it against me....(not to mention...there's the whole Ms. Claus thing...and I'm not really a homewrecker...though I have been accused of that, too, this year.)
I'm not looking for material things. I have money for that.
This year, I'd like someone to:
- Hold me close when it's cold.
- Kiss my forehead.
- Cheer me up when I'm down.
- Make me laugh until I cry.
- Fall asleep snuggling me...fully clothed.
- Hug me when I need it...and even if I don't.
- Kiss me like they mean it.
- Tell me they love me...but only when it's true.
The cupcakes? Ms. Claus will handle those.
Merry Christmas!
Looove,
Kimmie.
11.22.2011
Dear Rain
I know we need you, but you are making me soooo sleeepy.....
Looove [*yawn*],
Kimmie.
Dear Man
You were the one who made the decision that we should go our seperate ways. I'm sorry that you can't deal with us being "just friends"... but please stop sending me those pitiful text messages. It just makes you look like a fool. Trust me... I've been there...
I miss talking to you every day. I think about you ever day. We could still talk on the phone or text...but I'm respecting your wishes.
You should too.
Looove,
Kimmie.
11.21.2011
Dear Man
Dear Man,
I'm sure you think I'm just like everyone else...but I'm not. I didn't plan to disappear on you. I genuinely had fun and enjoyed talking to you...I just didn't feel anything other than friends.
I hope you don't hate me....it was your decision to disappear...
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. Resigning Words with Friends was a bit much...no?
11.18.2011
11.17.2011
Dear Man
Dear Man,
I can't wait until Saturday. I hope everything goes good...
I hope you like me...
Please like me...
Looove,
Kimmie.
11.13.2011
Dear Phone
Dear Phone,
You are brand new! Why are you being contrary with you're camera?! Now I'm going to have to make a special trip back to the Verizon store!
Hmph...
[Sad] Looove,
Kimmie.
11.09.2011
11.07.2011
Dear Man
You...are creepy. I appreciate your thinking I'm beautiful, but no...Just...No.
[No]Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
I'm sorry about Friday night...I shouldn't have said those things...but you should not have been waving your snake in my face.
Don't start nothin'. Won't be nothin'.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Tequila
I do love you so...but I think it's time we called it quits. You can always get the truth out of me...and not everyone needs to know the truth about everything... I spend too much time apologizing for the things you make me say.
I don't want to, but I need to.
Looove,
Kimmie.
11.04.2011
11.02.2011
Dear Man
I'm sorry I didn't show up this weekend like I said I might. Some stuff happened and I didn't even drive home until yesterday morning.
Really, though?
I was terrified... I felt like we "clicked" right away...just bullshitting back and forth...you made me laugh. Sometimes, though, I got a little scared...because I wasn't sure if you were serious or not... I have an overactive imagination, and sometimes, it gets in my way.
I told my best friend about you. I let her read our conversation...and just told her to look past the dirty parts, Haha! She told me that she thought we complimented each other well...that she could see herself just rolling with laughter listening to us talk because we were so much alike...
At first, she tried to sway me from coming to see you...then she was encouraging it...telling me it's not that far of a trip...and that I could call her if anything happened.
I just...got scared...and possibly let that ruin something that might have been so good.
I'm sorry.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
I had fun. You only get to live once, right?
Thanks for that, at least.
Looove,
Kimmie.
11.01.2011
Dear Man
Really?! Thanks for proving me wrong.
Looove,
Kimmie.
10.29.2011
Dear Man
I was quite pleasantly surprised...I really expected you to be a douche. You're polite, smart, funny....you smell delicious....
I think I may be in trouble...
Looove,
Kimmie.
10.28.2011
10.27.2011
Dear Boy
When I get on the interstate, I think of our road trips. Eighty-two is a good speed, yeah?
Those were fun.
Looove,
Kimmie.
10.25.2011
Dear Woman
Is it so hard to pick up a telephone receiver while you are calling someone? I don't want to listen to the phone ring and ring and ring.
Please be considerate.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Men
Please...figure out what it is you want before you pursue a woman. It'll save everyone a little heartache.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Boy
I'm not going to spend my days and nights thinking about you if you are not interested in me. We aren't about to start this little game where you just talk to me when you need something new to occupy your time. If you want me, you want me first...not second, third, or anything else.
I will be in the same zip code as you, this weekend, but I'm not going to go out of my way to make sure our paths cross... I hope you understand this.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Girl
Congratulations are in order... I guess... I just hope you know what you're doing...
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Boy
You're awesome! I really enjoy talking to you. Thus far, however, I'm not physically attracted to you...and I'm so afraid I'll hurt your feelings when I put you in the friend-zone... I try to change the subject or laugh it off when you start taking things in the wrong direction...but I'm not sure my point is getting across....
Is it selfish for me to ask you not to make this so hard on me?
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
I sincerely appreciate your compliment, and your being polite. However, my daddy...would kill me.
I'm sorry.
Looove,
Kimmie.
10.21.2011
Dear Mister
I can't believe I miss you. That's a bit ridiculous. I hope I get to talk to you soon. =P
Looove,
Kimmie.
10.17.2011
P.S.
He just not that into you is he's trying online dating while you're "hanging out".
10.16.2011
Dear Man
Thank you for making me feel so fucking uncomfortable and completely changing my perception of you...
I won't be back.
[No]Looove,
Kimmie.
10.14.2011
10.13.2011
Dear Man
You are terribly adorable, but you seem so manly! RAWR!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Sir
I haven't had these panties on since the last time I spent the night with you... weird that I thought of that when I put them on.
That was a nice night. I wonder if you think about it...
Looove,
Kimmie.
10.10.2011
Dear Friend
Please take stock of your life. Get your priorities in order. You aren't a spring chicken anymore. I have never seen you look so exhausted as I did the other night. I could see it in your eyes. Please take care of yourself. Get some rest. She'll still be there when you wake up...if not, then it just wasn't meant to be.
I love you to pieces. I've seen what happens, first hand-experienced what happens, when you let someone else take over your world and you don't let your body rest and refresh. It's not pretty.
...but it was the kick in the ass that I needed... perhaps you do, too.
Take care of yourself, sir.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Girl
I think I'm cuter than you, and I feel like I probably have more to offer than you; however, it appears as though "he's just not that into me", so...for him not trying to remove your tonsils with his tongue...you're welcome.
[No]Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. I also think he's better than you, and deserves the same.
Dear Man
I love that you enjoyed my cupcakes the other night. It made me giggle...that and when you offered them to your girlfriend. Hahaha! If she only knew how much you loved them... ;)
Looove[and delicious cupcakes],
Kimmie.
10.07.2011
Dear Ladies
Last night was fun! Thanks for the free drinks! (But Lord knows I didn't need that much tequila! I almost spilled all kinds of secrets to that man!)
Next time...some restraing, perhaps...Hahah!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
You are my favorite person to make cupcakes for. You seem to appreciate them the most.
I wish I could make them for you again, but I do respect you for being faithful. That's hard to come by these days.
Looove[and cupcakes],
Kimmikins.
Dear Girl
Why do you do this to yourself? Doing the things you know will only hurt in the end. Hurt yourself more than anyone else... You need to stop being so dumb.
You are worth so much more than the way you treat yourself...I say "you treat yourself", because you are the one allowing them to get to you.
That old saying "Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me." holds true...especially after the 3rd time. You've no one to blame but yourself and you need to straighten up!
Be good to yourself...someone has to.
Looove,
Kimmie.
10.05.2011
Dear Bed
Why must you prevent me from sleeping all the way through the night? It's got to be your fault because when I slept in a different bed Monday night, I did't wake up until my alarm went off. That's pretty much unheard of lately...
I think it's time to say good-bye...
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
I dreamed about you. It was beautiful...but sad because it will likely never happen.
Please stop invading my dreams.
Looove,
Kimmie.
10.04.2011
10.03.2011
Dear Sir
I would like to get laid, but I think I'm through playing your game. When you get tired of playing and decide to do something worth-while, let me know.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
Seeing you the other night did nothing but make me want you even more. I couldn't resist being a little inappropriate just to make you think about me like that.
I saw you looking at me a couple of times... I only wish you wanted me still...
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Girl
You are trashy and irresponsible. I'm sorry my sister tried to give you so much credit only to be proven horribly wrong.
I never once expected any better from you.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Boy
It's cute that you thought we'd had sex...but I promise if we had, you'd have known it was me and not her...and you wouldn't have given me the cold shoulder trying to avoid me...
Thanks to your little reminder Saturday night, however, you'll never know for sure...and it's not because you have a girlfriend that you think you are going to marry... That won't last.
You are rude and disrepectful...and that was super trashy.
Looove,
Kimmie.
9.30.2011
Dear Sister
Tonight was so much fun! We could get in so much trouble together. We should hang out more often.
Have fun baking cupcakes!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Sister
Your bed is so comfy. I wish it was mine and there was a man in it with me.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Girl
That was a...nice...offer, but I still don't think you like me. Sooo....what gives?
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Woman
Don't freak out now, but I think a skunk died on your head...
Just thought I should let you know.
Looove,
Kimmie.
9.27.2011
9.26.2011
P.S.
I retract my previous statement. If you're still in, I'm still in.
Dear Woman
You need to stay in your window and stop running off all the time.
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. You annoy me.
Dear Boy
You need to lock your conscience in a box somewhere and throw away the key.
Looove,
Kimmie.
9.23.2011
9.22.2011
Dear Man
You shouldn't think of me like that!!!
...but it's okay if you do. It's how I'm thinking of you. ;)
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Woman
I was trying to figure our why you got along with her so well... It's the maturity level, I believe.
What are you both...twelve?
Grow. Up.
Please. Thank you.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Girl
We all aspire to be like someone, but if you choose her... oh boy...
You might want to think that through a little more...
Looove,
Kimmie.
9.20.2011
Dear Boy
I like how you told me that you were still going to be around and we were still going to talk...and I haven't seen you or heard from you since.
You were my favorite...
Looove[still],
Kimmie.
Dear People
Please keep all your dumb drama off of Facebook. It's pretty ridiculous.
Looove,
Kimmie.
9.18.2011
Dear Men
Please pick up your testicles at the baggage claim.
Looove,
Kimmie.
9.17.2011
9.15.2011
9.14.2011
Dear Man
Sometimes... other people can say it better than I can...
*sigh*
Looove,
Kimmie[and Adele].
Dear UPS
What's the hold-up?!?! I'm waiting on cute shoes!!! This is important!
[Unsure]Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S.
Someone asked me about you at work the other day and she said I blushed... What does that mean?
9.13.2011
Dear Dumbass
Those blue headlights are SO illegal...
Looove,
Kimmie.
9.12.2011
Dear Store
Damn you! I was trying to buy those foxy fuschia pumps! You know how badly I wanted them! How dare you sell the last pair to someone else! You know they aren't near fabulous enough for them!
Hmph!
[No more]Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Sister
You always make me want to cry when you talk to me like a mommy. I know that's insane, right? Still, somehow, it makes me feel better.
I love you, lady. Thank you for being "on my side".
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Woman
To each her own and what-not...but you're training is all ovah the place! You need a little organization before you teach someone new.
Just an observation...
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Mister
Please don't punish me because I lost your charger... I'll get you a new one!
Looove,
Kimmie.
9.09.2011
9.08.2011
Dear Cleaners
What. The. Hell?!?! You never clean properly. You never throw away my cups. You never do anything you are supposed to. So...last night, I left my new big giant water cup on my desk...come back this morning...and it's GONE!
What the hell?!
Consistency. Please!
[No]Looove,
[Cupless]Kimmie.
9.07.2011
Dear Friend
I haven't seen you since your brother's funeral. I haven't talked to you in months. Yet, somehow, I managed to have quite the interesting dream about you last night. I've never had those thought about you...that I can remember... Unconcious fantasies of a subconcious desire? Who knows.
Now, I'm thinking of you (though, admittedly, not like that)... I do hope you are well.
[Me]Looove[you long time],
Kimmie.
9.06.2011
Dear Nosey
Mind your own damned business. If I need your assistance, I will ask you. If I have something that needs your attention, I will tell you. Otherwise...stay in your office. Talk on your phone. Terrorize your customers.
Leave me the fuck alone.
Looove,
Kimmie.
9.05.2011
Dear Boy
Don't get testy because you want me. Haha! Winky face.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
What I want to do is invite you over...not for intercourse...just to snuggle.
...and maybe intercourse...
...but it's not my house, and I haven't a bed...
Sigh.
Looove[anyway],
Kimmie.
9.03.2011
Dear Bartender
Those drinks were delish! You know how much I love tequila, and that is why you're my favorite bartender.
Well...that....and because you're cute. ;)
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
I rather enjoy listening to you talk...even if you do seem to tell the same stories over and over... Your wife, however, was quite fucked up last night... she should not have been driving...
I'm just sayin'...
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
Sometimes, I wish I could unsay some of the things I've told you.
Or...I wish you could just forget them...
Dammit.
Looove,
Kimmie.
9.02.2011
Dear Woman
What purpose does your presence even serve? Why can't you just stay your loud, obnoxious ass in the truck while your mom takes care of her business.
You're fucking annoying.
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S.
Buying drinks for females does not give you permission to act like that... We didn't ask for them.
Dear Ladies
Last night was so much fun! It was so nice to get away and hang out with people I don't always get to.
...even if there were shitty drinks, and douchebags.
Let's do it again, sometime!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Guy
You really are a dreadful bartender...but at least you're cute?
More tequila. Less mix.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Douche
You were not funny. She was drunk.
And you were rude.
Pull your head out of your ass before you come to the bar, next time...Just a word of advice.
Looove,
Kimmie.
9.01.2011
Dear Man
You need to just chill with me and stop running so much. You're going run yourself into the ground...and then what? Then...you'll be in the ground. That's what!
And I'll be sad...and I'll really miss your face, then. :(
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.31.2011
Dear Llama
Please carry your ass elsewhere. I do not feel like listening to you today.
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.30.2011
Dear Man
Please think I'm hot...or at least cute...
Yes. I'm grovelling...kinda...
Looove[anyway],
Kimmie.
Dear Primer
What the hell is wrong with you??!?! My eyeshadow should not be creasing! Especially not this fast.
I'm terribly disappointed in you...
[A lot less]Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
Those aren't the kind of cupcakes I meant... allow me to demonstrate?
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.29.2011
Dear Man
I really think I could cure your cranky with cupcakes. I really want to cure your cranky with cupcakes... But I'm going to bite my tongue and not offer... I'm trying to be strong... and I'm afraid of rejection... even thought I don't really think you would reject my cupcakes. (There's that small chance I could be wrong...)
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Sir
That was a most interesting dream...and nothing bad even happened!
Well...nothing very bad...
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.28.2011
Dear Sir
I would kinda just like to hold your hand. That's pretty pitiful...I know...
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.25.2011
Dear Woman
We call in our breakfast order for a reason...not just for fun. We do this every week... How hard is it to get it right??
[No]Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Women
Just leave me the fuck alone today, and we'll get along just fine.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
It always makes me feel so much better after I talk to you...even about mundane things.
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.24.2011
Dear Woman
The proper phrase is "never saw you"...not "never seen you".
Looove[and proper grammar],
Kimmie.
Dear You
It the beginning, I told you I was not that kind of girl...and said that you weren't my type...
Then I became that kind of girl...and you became my type...
It's been so fun. Doing something I never thought I would...but...if I'm honest, and I think I can be... If I had any idea that it would have come to this... I would have held out...
That disappoints me the most, I think...
Looove,
Me.
Dear Everyone
My boobs are ginormous today.
This has been your Public Service Announcement for today.
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. ...And they are spectacular... :)
Dear Girl
If you are going to work with us for the next few weeks, you are going to have to get "un-quiet"... We are the least quiet group of women employed by the bank.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Sir
I didn't mean to offend you. I thought it was funneh...and I thought you would too...
Sahrry!
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.23.2011
P.S.
If you were to reflect on your lifestyle now, versus your lifestyle then...there would be no mystery...
P.S.
You need to take care of your personal business on personal time. No one wants to hear your drama.
8.22.2011
Dear Weirdo
Really? Why are you still trying to text me after 8 months?! Couldn't I very well be dead??
Oi-fucking-vey...
[No]Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Bird
I'm terribly sorry that you hit my windshield...but I really don't think I'm at fault... You shouldn't have spazzed out when I drove by...
Sorry...
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S.
I think you are lying...not only to me, but to yourself...and I'm not sure you even realize it...
8.21.2011
Dear Man
I have a pretty overwhelming desire to pull on your ponytail. *giggle*
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.19.2011
Dear Woman
Shut the hell up already. At some point, you have to realize it is not your problem, nor your business, anymore...and move the fuck on!
Just. Be. Quiet.
PLEASE!
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.18.2011
Dear Trainer
Let's get this done with, okay? You don't really have to answer all those questions...because they'll still be asking them a month from now when we go live. Repetition is the only thing that will work for them.
Looove,
The girl with too much personality to be a programmer. :P
Dear Friday
Where are youuuu? I've been waiting for your quick return.
Please come soon.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
There's no need for anything complicated just to get some good snuggles in. It is nice to have a body to snuggle up to. Sure... extra pillows work, but they don't have arms to wrap around you.
...and yours are nice.
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.17.2011
Dear Man
I'm completely serious about our movie night...or movie week...whatever. I'm ready.
I just want to hang out and cuddle up on the couch and watch movies until we fall asleep. Is that so wrong?
I mean...I'm a lonely girl...
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Girl
It's amazing the overwhelming desire I have to kick you in the teeth.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Sir
I thought that was you today at lunch...just for a moment. Then common sense took over.
...but I was giddy for a moment...which is pretty ridiculous.
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.16.2011
Dear Sleep
Why won't you come to me? I realize you're more comfy and enjoyable when I have someone to snuggle up to, but it's not possible right now.... maybe soon-ish.
Please don't make me wait for you.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Ladies
Shut the fuck up already.
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.15.2011
Dear Boy
I have been nothing but nice to you. I have loved you since the first time I met you. That doesn't happen much. I've never done anything to cross any lines with you, nor have I ever thought about it. I miss our fun, crazy, then completely lazy weekends. I miss you being around. I miss the you that I've loved from the beginning.
You are technically a grown man, and you are entitled to any decisions you choose to make. I just want you to be happy. I love you, and I will always be here... Always.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Girl
I don't like you. No...I don't know you, but I'm certain I don't like you. I won't even go so far as to say that if I ever met you I'd like you...because I wouldn't. Of that I am certain.
[No]Looove,
Kimmie.
8.14.2011
Dear Sir
I had a dream about you yesterday while I was napping... It was interesting to say the least... Nothing bad happened, mind you...but the potential was there. Heh!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
I'm not sure why you have been so chatty lately, but I kinda like it. :)
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.11.2011
Dear Woman
Your moose knuckle is showing. It's not cute.
And...you look kind of like a dinosaur off of Land Before Time...but it's not cute, either.
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.10.2011
Dear Site
Why...are people being linked to Looove, Kimmie from you? I've never posted anything about teeth whitening...what the hell is up with that, yo?
You're weird.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Lady
I'm sorry that I'm leaving you in a bind. Really. I am...but I have got to get out of Tensas Parish. Surely you understand this necessity.
I promise, though... This is the lesser of two evils... For now...
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Customers
It's not cool to put loose change in the drive-thru drawer. It's also not cool to get on your cell phone and start hollering at the person on the other end of that phone call...while you are sitting in my drive-thru.
Shove it up your ass!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
You should really listen to your friends' advice. They are smart!
...unless, of course, they are just dumb and are talking out of their asses, I reckon...
Meh...
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.09.2011
Dear Author
Your writing makes my bits tingle. Many readers complain that your more recent books are nothing more than erotica...You shan't hear me complain! I do like some dirty reading. ;)
Keep 'em comin'! (Pun may or may not have been intended. Haha!)
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
I'm sitting at my desk. Trying to work.
...but all I can think about is your penis.
Yes. I just said that.
Looove[and delicious cupcakes],
Kimmie.
Dear Dolce
Thank you for making me smell so good. (Even after he spends all week at the bar, I still smell good.)
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Store
Next time I order perfume (or anything breakable, really), could you please put it in a box marked "FRAGILE"? UPS is usually my favorite, but they brought my package in looking like it had been thru a postal stress test or something. I was not impressed.
Work on this, k?
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.08.2011
Dear Girl
I'm a tiny bit attracted to you. I've always thought you were cute. You smell really good, too...even though...it's a bit strange that you wear masculine scents...and one of them definitely reminds me of the Marine. He's delicious...
...oh...I got distracted...
Sahrry!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Puss
I miss you horribly. I wanted to come visit you today, but your daddy's dumb girlfriend is apparently there. Please don't give all my loving away. I will come see you soon.
Looove[you always],
Mommy.
P.S. Cross your paws! Perhaps soon you can be with me!
Dear Kimmie
You've written a lot of letters today... You need to spend some of this energy on that other blog. It's sitting there all lonely and unused and what-not.
Hop to it!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Girl
You're pretty gross. I don't know how he does it...and by "it"...I mean, "you".
=/
[Un]Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Mister
It's not nice to tease. Don't make promises you aren't going to keep.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
Damn! You are still hot! If memory serves, you and your wife are "free"...wanna help me satiate my withdrawals? *wink wink* Rawr!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Customers
Really?! Would a bath really hurt you? You smell dreadful...and it's hot...which just makes it worse.
Please do us all a favor and bathe...or don't come in at all.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Friend
I'm so glad to see you doing something with your blog, finally! I love seeing your new work!
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S.
You are not blame free in this. You are the reason you are having withdrawals right now. As the great saying goes, "You made your bed and now you must sleep in it." ...alone...
Dear Week
Please go by quickly. I need to just be able to make it to Thursday, and I'll be "home free" for a few days.
Please hurry.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Friend
Please don't fret. I'm certain everything will work out for you. It has to. I've got my fingers crossed for you!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Cousin
Don't be a fucking douche. I'm not even sure anybody really likes you.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Kimmie
Learn to keep your mouth shut. It always gets you in trouble.
[Tough]Looove,
Kimmie.
8.06.2011
8.05.2011
Dear McD's
Your sweet tea is supposed to be good. This is shit.
[No]Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Girl
You look like you're twelve... and you packing cigarettes in my drive-thru does not impress me. Nor would it if you looked older...just so you know.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Ladies
What the hell is up with you people and having your computer resolutions set so low that I have to scroll for days to see the whole page?! That is so ridiculous!
Just get glasses or something!
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.04.2011
Dear Lady
Thank you for the delicious musical snacks! They make me kick my feet like a little kid with an ice cream cone. :)
Looove,
Kimmie.
8.02.2011
Dear Man
I wish I could stop overanalyzing. I wish things would have ended differently.
Part of me wants to talk to you. Part of me says I shouldn't.
I never realized it had gone this far. I have to start being more aware.
Looove[anyway],
Kimmie.
8.01.2011
Dear Woman
You were talking fine this morning. Just clear your throat. Stop trying to get pity.
[Tough]Looove,
Kimmie.
7.31.2011
Dear Boy
You're so cute, I could just punch you in the face!
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. You might not be "Dear Boy" from here on out....maybe only on special occasions... You are technically a grown up now. :)
Dear Kimmie
To quote a sappy country song... "Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride."
Dry your eyes. Stand up straight. Hold your head high.
Your heart still beats. Your lips still smile. Things are not as bad as they seem.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
It really sucks that something, as good as what we had, ended as badly as it did. They say that first impressions are the most important, but it's the final one that sticks...
This really sucks.
Looove,
Kimmie.
7.28.2011
Dear Cousin
You're the best! Thank you for bringing me yummy lunch today! (I knew there was a reason I loved you! Hahahah!!!! Kiddinggggg!!)
But really, thank you!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Woman
Let's not beat around the bush. I don't like you. You are snooty.
Also, either you suck at "fitting" or your company sucks at making uniforms. See if you can get me the right size this time, okay?
[No]Looove,
Kimmie.
7.26.2011
Dear Man
I would most likely not get tired of you. I'm not sure exactly in what way you think I would tire of you, but I can assure you...I would gladly sex you every day...more than once, if you wanted.
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. If that is not what you meant...then, you'd likely tire of me first.
7.25.2011
7.24.2011
Dear Throat
Why must you hurt me so badly? I've been so good to you, yet you ache so much I can hardly breathe... Swallowing is a necessary part of life...please don't be so angry.
[Very little]Looove,
Kimmie.
7.23.2011
Dear Girl
I'm sorry if I came across as rude today... I didn't intend to. You are talented and adorable and I'd like to put you in my pocket and keep you, sometimes... but I'm completely awkward around people that I don't know very well. Though I've known you for a while... I haven't been around you much, and it's still a bit of shock when I realize just how short you are. I don't feel tall around many people... heh..
Anywho...I'm sorry if I came across as a mean girl...I'm really nice. I swear!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Skeeto
Stop biting me! I realize that I'm yummy-licious, but you make me itch!
...and that's not polite...at all...
Hmph!
[No]Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
I'm pretty sure this makes nothing off-limits for us. Well... almost nothing...
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. Please stop stressing. I don't think it's weird that you like to watch me make cupcakes... I rather prefer it that way. I know you love them. :)
7.22.2011
Dear Man
A good-smelling man is my strongest weakness... Ughhhhhh!!!!!
I want to lick you.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Kindle
I'm so bummed that I left you at home today. Today...of all days... I'm finally caught up with all of my work for the first time in ages...and I have nothing to do to fill my idle time.
Next time, you hop in my purse before I leave. Kthxbai!
Looove,
Kimmie
Dear Mr.
You're fun...and cute...and I'm thinking about making you cupcakes... Right. Now.
:)
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Shoe
You make me happy... I need happy today.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Friday
I'm so glad you are here...Don't run off so soon and take the weekend with you. I need a break.
Just a tiny one...
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Kimmie
Stop being a dumb girl with dumb girl feelings. Get your shit together.
That is all.
[Tough]Looove,
Kimmie.
7.19.2011
Dear Girl
I love you. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Sometimes, I think you must be my soul child. You remind me so much of me when I was your age. I can't help but smile and shake my head. Sometimes, I wish you were my real child so that I could jerk a knot in your head and say, "Hey! Straighten up!"
I love you. I hope you are doing okay. I hope you get things worked out. I wish there was a way I could afford to come down and spend the day with you doing fun girl things. Cheer you up, somehow.
Please take care of yourself. Chin up. You are gorgeous, and you are loved.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Boy
You seem testy lately...and restless...like a caged animal or something. What's up with that? I worry about you, you know.
Looove,
Kimmie.
7.18.2011
7.16.2011
Dear Man
I can't wait to make you cupcakes!
Looove,
Kimmie
7.12.2011
Dear Woman
I'm all about respecting my elders and what-not, but stay the fuck out of my business.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Bitches
I hope you enjoy the time you have, right now, to volunteer or not. Before too much longer, it won't be a volunteer basis, and you'll have to do it every week. :)
Looove,
Kimmie.
7.11.2011
Dear Man
I'd rather like to hang out with you for a while...when I get well... Perhaps you could come over, if my parents would just leave...so you could play my piano. Yes...a real piano. =P Then...maybe grilled cheese at 3:30 in the morning? I've had a hankering...and that's really the best time of day for it.
Yes? No? Yes?
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Checkbook
Where are you? Come back! It's not like there's any money for you to spend, but I need you just the same. Oy.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear People
I'm not ignoring you. I just can't hear you. I'm pretty sure my eardrums are swollen up to the size of golf balls.
Then again...in some instances...I probably am ignoring you.
Looove,
Kimmie.
7.10.2011
Dear Death
Please come quickly. I'm tired of feeling like a sword is being shoved down my throat and into my chest.
Looove,
Kimmie.
7.09.2011
Dear Officer
Nice blinker.
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. That was sarcasm. You would have stopped me for doing the same thing. Moron.
Dear Girl
If you are uncomfortable with how short your skirt is...perhaps it needs to be a little longer...
Looove,
Kimmie.
7.08.2011
Dear Man
I'd really like to sex you. Right now. That is all.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Woman
Are you even wearing pants? If so, they need to be longer.
Looove,
Kimmie.
7.05.2011
Dear Man
I am so sorry. That seems inadequate. I feel like I'm this tall... For this time, though, I have to go with my gut feeling...and something is telling me "No."
I hope you can forgive me for this.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Marine
Sometimes, you think too much...kinda like a woman. Haha!
Relax!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Kimmie
That was a bit irresponsible... You know better...
Tsk Tsk.
Looove,
Kimmie.
7.04.2011
7.01.2011
Dear Man
Please don't do this. Don't make a bigger fool of yourself than you already are...
Not. Gonna. Happen.
Looove,
Kimmie.
6.29.2011
Dear Man
I can't wait to see you next weekend!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Boy
I have a confession...but I can't confess it here. Just know that it's a good confession... one that would probably make your head swell.
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S.
Sometimes, I don't even realize I'm thinking about you until I laugh out loud when I remember something you'be said or done.
Dear Sir
You smell bad; your girlfriend looks like a 2 cent whore; and your attitude sucks balls.
Looove,
Kimmie.
6.27.2011
Dear Girl
You look fabulous! I'm so proud of you!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
We need to exercise more often. I can barely move this morning. Fun & healthy...how much better can it get?
Think about it.
Looove,
Kimmie.
6.26.2011
6.25.2011
Dear Boy
I beat you! I beat you! Heh Heh Heh!
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. You don't really have to pay me. Unless you want to. You know you kinda do. *giggle*
P.P.S. You're fun. I like playing Wii with you...even if sometimes, I think you let me win. But it's still fun.
In other, unrelated news: The dude on TV right now looks very much like a lady. Dude looks like a laaaady!
[Again]Looove,
Kimmie.
6.24.2011
Dear Daddy
You are the shiznit! Milkshakes on Friday afternoon make me happy. (Well...that...and my lunch break. Heh!) You are better than Betty Crocker. You are Buddy Crocker. :)
Looove,
Kimmie. [and the rest of the ladies!]
Dear Woman
Why are you so fucking annoying?
Is it because you click your pen non-stop until I'd like to take it away from you and stab myself in the temple?
Is it because you feel the need to tell the same story over and over to everyone you see...instead of gathering everyone around to tell it once?
Maybe it's because you never seem to shut up...at all?
It could always be the way you may tell a story, then a couple of hours later walk up to someone and carry on like you had never stopped telling the story.. "...yeah...I was like, blahblahImdumbblahblahandsoannoyingblahblah..."
Any of these are possible. Quite likely, even.
I like it when you aren't at work...so I get a moment of peace & quiet.
Have fun on your day off next week!!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Cupcakes
You are delicious.
I miss you terribly much.
You know it was fun.
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. Woohoo!! Haikus are fun!
Dear Kimmie
I am so proud of you. This whole week you've managed to fix your hair and put on makeup and make an attempt to look nice. You are gorgeous.
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. I love your new hair!
Dear Man
You should come see me this weekend...or next weekend. *waggles eyebrows* I'm in the mood to make cupcakes. :)
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Morons
It's sad that you just laugh when I tell you the truth...and it's not even something I would even want to lie about. Tsk tsk..
You oughtn't be so...naive.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Woman
It has become very apparent to me that, today, you are going to annoy the piss out of me. Let's just try to make it until 5pm without me snapping your head off.
In other words, Shut it.
Looove,
Kimmie.
6.23.2011
Dear Girl
You are boring. That is all.
Looove,
Kimmie.
6.21.2011
Dear M&Ms
You are delicious.
I love your yummy goodness.
Banana hammock.
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. That was a little haiku...just for you...even though it doesn't make sense. *giggle*
6.20.2011
Dear Kimmie
Tsk tsk tsk...
You know better. You're going to get fired...or go to the hot place (which is still likely to get you fired...).
But it's funneh!!! *giggle*
Looove,
Kimmie.
6.19.2011
6.17.2011
6.15.2011
Dear Man
I'm writing a story. It's about you. And me. And it's fucking hot. ;)
Looove,
Kimmie.
6.13.2011
Dear Cat
Fuck. You.
[No fucking]Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. I hope you die.
Dear Shoos
You are faboooluss and I love you... Please watch your step...you are already getting scuffed up. If you weren't on the feet of a clutz, you might stand a better chance...but just be careful. K?
Looove,
Kimmie.
6.12.2011
Dear Girl
I feel like you don't like me for some reason. I'm not sure the stories you've heard... It's really okay, though. I don't like you either.
...but I keep thinking about the day I saw your boyfriend and we went up to the top of the parking garage and looked over the city, taking pictures... then we went down a couple of levels to escape the sun and made out like we were in high school.
Of course...he wasn't your boyfriend then.
He made my toes curl and my...well...
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. The sad part is, we'd probably get along swimmingly...if we ever met.
6.10.2011
Dear Tub
I can hear you, in the distance, calling my name. I'm coming for you soon! I can't wait to get in you and soak and relax...and shave my legs like a good little girlscout.
*sigh*
I can't wait! See you soon!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Sir?
Where on earth are you headed? Or mayhaps, where have you been?
You come into the bank wearing a hat that looks suspiciously like a "China man's hat", carrying a vaccuum cleaner & a water cooler... and expect no one to ask questions?
It's nearly noon on a Friday... I'm baffled.
Oooh...to be a fly on the wall of your gay little life.
Stay real, gurl!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear People
It really makes things go a lot smoother if you turn all your currency with the faces going the same way. I don't know why it does...but it does... and it only take a second. Do it.
Please? (I'm really being terribly nice today with all the "please"-es and what not...)
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Phone
Please stop ringing off the fucking hook you stupid piece of shit!
I said "please".
Looove,
Kimmie.
6.09.2011
Dear FedEx
Wtf?! Why can't you ever show up at a decent hour? It's almost time for me to get off work, and you still haven't delivered my package! Ughhh!!!
[Zero]Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Thursday
I'm sorry that I've thought (and wished) that you were Friday all day, but you kinda sucked...I need a weekend.
Looove,
Kimmie.
6.08.2011
6.07.2011
Dear Kimmie
Please learn to wait until after you have finished writing a story to go back and edit it. At this rate...you'll never get through!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Sister
I know there was a time when we didn't get along, at all. (Umm...hello? Who remembers you calling me a bitch on my wedding day? Meeeee!!! =P)
During the past year, we have gotten so close (sometimes too close, haha!), and I'm so glad. I used to wonder what it would be like if Sadie had lived, and I'd have had an older sister...now I feel like I know. It's nice to have someone that I can connect with and talk to.
You have become one of my very best friends (and I never really thought I'd see the day I would say that.) and I love you.
I'm so glad you're my sister.
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. Sometimes, you get on my nerves, still...and I'm sure I get on yours, but that's what sisters are s'pose to do... Right?
Dear Kindle
You might get me fired. I enjoy sneaking peaks at your books when I should be working.
Oops?
Looove,
Kimmie.
6.06.2011
P.S.
I keep hearing what you said to me... RAWR! You are the kind of man I write stories about.
6.05.2011
6.03.2011
Dear Man
What was the point of telling me that story if you aren't going to explain what you meant by it. I thought I was following along quite nicely...untill you kept stressing that one thing...and...I just don't understand it's importance. Perhaps I'm dumb...
...but at least I knew what a flagpole truck was. So nyeh!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
I'm not sure what to think exactly... I really feel like you can do better than... that.
It was interesting though...to see you interact with her. I saw you look at her the same way you used to look at me when you thought you were in trouble for something but you were trying to be nice to redeem yourself... What was that about? I have just as much right to be in the store as you do.
She was just not that impressive... this too shall pass... I hope. For your sake.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear 5PM
I'm ready for you. I've been ready since Tuesday morning. I just want a nice relaxing weekend of reading and being nerdy. I wish I could have the house to myself...alas...I don't think that's gonna happen.
Anywhosywhatsit... Hurry up!
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.31.2011
Dear Work
I don't want to be here today...I just want you to know that.
I have a headache that could possibly be a carry-over from Saturday night...and I just really would rather be laying in my bed with my Kindle. (I be nerd lovin' my Kindle, like whoa!)
Anyway...I'm going to try to be productive today, but don't expect to much... Okay?
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.30.2011
Dear Everyone
It never happened...but, MAN, I can tell a good story, can't I? So convincing...
Hey, you, thanks for going along with it. 'Twas fun!
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.29.2011
Dear Drink
It's been....interesting...but, while I still have not thrown up from drinking you (Haha, boy! Haha!), you made me hallucinate like crazy, and I'm not okay with that. Also, there was the little matter of my tongue & lips going numb...We almost had too much fun last night, my friend.
Thanks for the memories.
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.27.2011
Dear Creep
AAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[No fucking]Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Boss
I need a raise. Nooo... not that kind of raise. Well...maybe that kind of raise... but I really need a monetary raise. Can you help me out there?
*gets on knees and begs* Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaseeeeeeee...
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. Yes...I know...grovelling is so attractive.
5.26.2011
Dear Clock
Why must you be so loud & intrusive? Jerking me out of my first night of peaceful sleep in over a week... *whimpers*
[I really don't]Looove[you],
Kimmie.
5.25.2011
Dear Boy
You're cute...yes...but, in all fairness, our fees should have been disclosed to you when you opened the account. Beyond that point, if you forget, I think that should be on you.
No...if it were up to me...you would not get your money back. Ain't I mean?
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Jackass
It's called a fucking STOP sign. Thank you for trying to kill me & the little boy in your truck. Fucker.
[No]Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. So glad my brakes work...even if there might be marks on the road...
Dear Boy
*insert something terribly rude, that would probably earn me a voodoo curse-and you, an evil stare-here*
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. *insert something inappropriate here, for good measure...since I'm already in trouble, anyway*
5.24.2011
Dear Readers
I know you are out there... I see you all... I'm like Big Brother. (or maybe more like Big Sister?) How's abouts you leave me a comment? Let me know what you think... You can be anonymous (if you're a chicken), or you can sign your name, log in, whatevs... Just leave me a little note. Tell me...which letters are your favorites? Do the post-scripts confuse you, or are they all part of the game?
I write all these sweet little looove notes, and no one ever writes back. (Well...some of you do...like Lorraine...because she's the bomb.com. I should send her a cupcake!)
Hop to it!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Pants
Please behaive today. I know you already have a hole...in an undesirable area... and, unfortunately, I couldn't find any undies this morning... Prime opportunity for a wardrobe malfunction...but let's not. Okay?
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.23.2011
Dear Body
Why won't you sleep? Rather...why won't you sleep when you are supposed to? Your schedule is getting all fucked up again, and that's not a good thing. When you don't sleep, your mind starts wandering into dangerous territory. Please straighten out.
I don't need this.
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.22.2011
Dear Kid
This bed! Soooooo comfy! Thanks for letting me borrow it...even though you know nothing about it.
Looove,
Miss Kim.
P.S. There are weird noises & shadows in here...in case you never noticed.
Dear Man
You succeeded in annoying the Hell out of me tonight. And you do NOT know me well enough to talk to me the way you were. Respect for my elders made me bite my tongue, but if there is a next time, I won't.
Looove,
Kimmie.
P S. No chance in Hell with me. Thanks, though.
5.20.2011
Dear Dealer
Today was not a good day for you to pick to email me. I almost feel bad for being rude.
Almost...
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Girl
Sometimes, you are so much like me, that I think you are my soul child or something. Sometimes...I want to treat you as if you are my child and jerk a knot in your head...but I love you all the same.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Girl
I considered sending you something. I found the cutest dinosaur necklace at Etsy. The first time I saw it, I thought about you. That was almost a year ago. Then, there was a ring I found that I just know you would love...I didn't get that either.
Truth be told, I think about you every now and then. I miss the friends we were a long, long time ago... before all the "cracks". Sadly, we haven't been those girls since far before all of this. It's a shame.
I hope you have a very, very Happy Birthday.
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.19.2011
Dear Sir
If it was then, like it is now, it probably wouldn't be like it is now. Then again...it might not make a difference at all.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Ladies
You annoy me. Possibly because I'm in heat...but most likely not. All your little nitpick-y gossipping, and your talk about the flood is getting old.
Perhaps one of you has an ice pick I can use to gouge out my ear drums? Thanks. I'd appreciate it!
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. You could also just try shutting up. That'd work too...
Dear Hair
I wish you would make up your mind! Either be completely straight, or be completely curly...this half-way in the middle frizzy ass shit is pissing me off. (Though...if I could make a suggestion...I'd prefer you be completely curly...I miss you curly.)
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. I looove the way you shine in the sun. :)
5.18.2011
P.S.
You managed to restore my faith in men with one statement about yourself. Kudos.
Dear Cunt
I wonder how you feel when you have to face someone you blatantly lied to...and you know...that they know you lied...
You looked a little nervous...I kinda liked that.
[No]Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
I'm really intrigued about you and this piano... I'm a sucker for a man that knows how to play. I'd like to hear you sometime. You can come to my house! :)
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.17.2011
Dear Brain
Please shut off so I can go to sleep... My eyelids are so heavy, but when I close them, you are still going a millionty places at once. It makes me weary...
It's bedtime, now.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Bill Me Later
Ooooh...you are an evil one, my dear. Tempting me to shop when I haven't the funds...reeling me in with the promise of 6 months, no payments, no interest...Sweetening the deal with free shipping and first time shopper discounts.... Ooooh...you are evil....but you are good...
You should be ashamed...but you aren't... We are quite alike...with our sweet deals and incentives....or something... (read: being so evil yet so good... Heh! Heh! Heh!)
Still....you know...
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Boss
I'm going to pretend, for your sake, that when you ask me questions like that...it's because you are testing me...not because you really don't know.
Even though we both know better...
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Women
What the hell is wrong with you two this morning?!?! Neither of you have shut up. I do not care to hear your voices all damn day!
I have an idea! Go home...where you are by yourself...record yourself talking (about whatever you would like), then bring ear phones to work and play it back. There! Now, you can hear yourself talk all you like...and I don't have to hear a worddddd....
Ugghhhhh!
Looove,
Crabby Kimmie.
5.16.2011
Dear Weather
It's the middle of fuh-reaking May! It should NOT be this nippley in my rooooom!
Warm up! Un poquito, por favor!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Puss
I miss you terribly. I miss your sand paper tongue on the end of my nose. I miss your happy biscuits & little purr. I miss you snuggling with me at night.
I hope I can find a place to live soon so you can be with me. I love you, little puss-child.
Looove,
Mommy.
Dear Kimmie
You are a smart girl. You know that you are your own worst enemy. Why, then, do you keep doing this to yourself?
Common sense, Kimmie. Please.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Pants
Please stay where you belong, or I will throw you out. The end.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Parts
Please stop hurting! You make me want to cut you out!
Although...that would kill two....birds...with one stabby-rip-stab-stab...
Keep that in mind!
Looove [but not really],
Kimmie.
5.15.2011
Dear Boy
It seems to be constantly pointed out that we have so much in common... Most recently? Our love for meat sticks.
Impressive...I know.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Man
You know that thing you asked me about? Yeah....it happened...it was kinda interesting...
That is all...
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.14.2011
Dear Children
Thank you for re-affirming my decision to never have kids.
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.13.2011
Dear Sir
Come snuggle me. It's ok. I won't tell your girlfriend. ^.^
I even made room on the action mattress. Heh heh heh!
Looove [and snuggles!],
Kimmie.
Dear Cheater
It's cheating if the cross you bear has a wheel. Just letting you know....
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.12.2011
Dear Sir
You're smile is so contagious. When I see it, I can't help but smile back...even if it's just at a picture. Ruhtarded...I know... You shouldn't be so cute.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Sir
Even after all these years, when you call me "baby", it makes me feel loved and happy.
Thank you.
Looove,
Kimmie
Dear Stalker
You need to get a life and stop stalking. It's creepy. Seriously.
Looove,
Kimmie [and everyone else you stalk]
Dear Boy
That dream...Oooh that dream...
Thank you for entertaining me so.
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.11.2011
Dear Bed
I've been thinking about you. I'll be coming for you soon.
I only wish there was a cute boy to snuggle with...preferably of legal age...who smells really yummy...and has really nice strong arms to hold me tight.
...and maybe he could be rich and like to give me money? I can trade sexual favors! *giggle*
Oh well....I made you...I must to sleep in you...alone.
For now.
Looove [and see you soon!],
Kimmie.
Dear Job
Ugh...
That is all.
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. I can't believe I have been with you for 5 years! (So....obviously...that wasn't all.)
That is all.
5.10.2011
Dear Dumbass
Being rude (and a dumbass) will get you nowhere (but the bottom of the stack) fast.
Don't be a dick.
[Tough]Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Mouth
Apparently...there's a leak...as evidenced by the Eau de Vitamin Water I'm now wearing in my cleavage. I really appreciate that...thanks.
You should probably get that fixed.
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.09.2011
Dear Boss
I can't believe you told me to bite you! I'm appalled!
Actually...it was pretty damn funny! *giggle*
You're cool.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Work
I am DEFINATELY earning me keep these days. How about increasing my "keep"? No? You sure? That's kinda what I figured...
Dang it!
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.07.2011
Dear Everyone
I can be a bitch...at times...and I've been told that it comes across quite nicely...without even having to try.
...Even the dumb ones have to pick up on it...(especially because we all know that they aren't as dumb--or innocent--as they like to pretend).
I just wanted to warn you all...because...sometimes I'm a nice girl. Some of you know that. Very well.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Mother
Shame on you! Again! No warning or anything?!?! I see you've been flexing your bitch muscles again...
Ugh...
[Very little]Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Mother
Shame on you! Shame. On. You. It's not polite to threaten the lives & livelihood of all these people with the Mighty Mississippi. You are causing panick and stress.
While I'm not panicking or stressing at the moment, I'm trying to be prepared. Packing pictures, jewelry and other important belongings.
...I only hope nothing happens while I have a trunk full of sex toys...
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.06.2011
Dear Woman
Your fake laugh is annoying...and fake. Everyone knows you're always a bitch...so there's no need to pretend.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Boy
The fact that you were jealous means something...I'm not sure what, exactly, but it does
Just something to think about. God knows that I can't stop thinking about it.
FML.
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.05.2011
Dear Sir
You really shouldn't talk to me like that. It's terribly inappropriate...not to mention there's that girlfriend. She probably wouldn't like either of us very much if she knew what you were saying to me. Tsk tsk....
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.04.2011
Dear Man
Why don't you think I'm dead, yet?! Stop texting me!
Oy.
[No]Looove,
Kimmie.
5.03.2011
Dear Boy
It's a shame you had a pang of conscience...again.
That is all.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Sir
It is SO cold in this house! I wish you were here to keep me warm...but since that can't happen, I'll just let my imagination warm me. *giggle*
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.02.2011
Dear Boy
You are too cute! I will never live down the fact that I gave the cute boy too much money... At least you're honest and are bringing it back. Good boy.
Looove,
Kimmie
Dear Whomever
"Gently used" was probably the wrong terminology... I sincerely hope you don't have a bandwidth limit... If you do, perhaps you should consider securing that wireless network.
Thanks, though!
Looove,
Kimmie [and her music collection!].
Dear River
Keep on movin'. Worrying about you won't do anything to better the situation, but if you'll just keep moving, I think we'll be fine.
No dilly-dally-ing!!
Looove,
Kimmie.
5.01.2011
Dear Marine
I tend to have very dirty thoughts about you. I hope you're okay with that. ;)
Looove,
Kimmie.
4.29.2011
Dear Whomever
Thank you, kindly, for having an unsecured wireless network. I hope you don't mind my...uh...borrowing it. :) I'll return it gently used. Swearsies!
Looove,
Kimmie.
4.28.2011
Dear Cupcakes
You were delicious! It's just a shame that I can't have you ever again. I'll be a little sad at first, I'll admit...but I'll dream of you often.
It was fun while it lasted.
Looove,
Kimmie.
4.27.2011
Dear Site
What the fuck? How did someone find my blog through you? I realize that I can be a bit inappropriate...and I've said "penis" and "fuck", but...geeze.
[Naughty]Looove,
Kimmie.
4.25.2011
Dear Readers
I'm going to take a short hiatus, I believe. I have letters I'd like to write...but now is not the time...well...now is the time...but, though I have a penchant for being inappropriate, this is not the place.
Eventually, we all do what needs to be done for us. No amount of advice from others is going to sway us, until we make up our minds to do it.
I've been there before...and I'm sure many of you have too... For those of you there now...my heart breaks for you because I know it's not an easy decision to make...but it gets better.
Looove,
Kimmie.
P.S. Until I return, I'll probably be found at Pimp My Cupcake. However, if you think you might be offended or unhappy by anything you happen to read there...I'd advise you not to click that link. I won't apologize.
Dear Monday
Why are you even here? I would rather still be sleeping...or call in dead to work, but unfortunately we're already going to be running a skeleton crew. It's pretty bad when the Senior VP of the bank is working a teller window.
Oy.
[Almost no]Looove,
Kimmie.
4.23.2011
Dear Lady
Lay off the jumping beans...I'm worried about your heart...
Looove,
Kimmie.
4.22.2011
Dear Ass
Your being mean to me is not going to make you want me any less...or your girlfriend like me any more...so...there's really no point.
I'm just sayin'.
Looove,
Kimmie.
4.21.2011
Dear Boy
I remember the day I fell in love with you. It felt as though my heart would explode into a million pieces, when I heard you laugh. I was looking at a picture on my phone from when you were a baby, today. I found the invitation I made to your 1st birthday party tonight, and I got a little misty-eyed. I can't believe you are 5 now, and you "have to grow up".
Please try to stay little as long as possible. You are growing entirely too fast.
[I]Looove[you],
Kim Kim
Dear Man
That was super nice and made me smile. Thank you.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Store
Why must you be closed on the only day I can come to you? That is just rude.
[You get no]Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear B,
This morning, I was putting on lotion, and the smell of lavender & vanilla reminded me of when I saw you in July. I couldn't help but smile. Our few visits were the only time I was happy there for a few months.
Thank you for that.
Looove[always],
Kimmie.
P.S. Sometimes, I wonder if you think about us--whatever "we" were--and smile.
Dear Pizza
You are yummy good with all your breakfast-y, pizza-y goodness. You also make my tummy very happy...and full. Yay!
Looove,
Kimmie.
4.20.2011
Dear Girl
"Today, I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to lay in my bed." Thank you so much for getting that song stuck inside my head. O.o I can't stop singing it...and that's the only flipping part I knowwww!!!! Oy...
I'm gonna go chill on the couch in my snuggie...maybe watch some MTV so they can teach me how to dougie...
*walks away shaking head*
Looove[anyway],
Kimmie.
Dear Ladies
You are each funny on your own. But...put you two together...and I couldn't breathe! I wish I had lunch with you both everyday. Work would be much more bearable(even though I'm not sure if that's the correct spelling.).
Looove,
Kimmie.
4.19.2011
Dear Steps
You are so mean...making me trip and skin my knee. I don't remember skint knees hurting this bad when I was little. :(
[No]Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Girl
I heard...the most intriguing thing today... I heard that you "make it harder than a left turn downtown"... I'm not sure what "it" is, but it sounds pretty hard...Maybe dangerous, too.
What do you think?
Heh heh heh...
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Body
How I wish you were real... I know who you belong to, and that is one body I'll never really get to snuggle with, I'm sure. You do help me sleep better at night, though. Whenever I dream that I'm wrapped up in your arms, I sleep so sound and comfortably. I wake up in the morning a little sad that it's over, and you've gone away again.
Please come back to me everynight...even if it is just a dream...
Looove,
Kimmie.
4.18.2011
Dear Boy
I have been told that we should see if your truck will smoke my car.
Time and place? Heh! ;)
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Friend
It was so good to see you this weekend. I have missed your smiling face terribly. You are still my favorite. I think I love you the most because I as cute and sweet as you are, I have absolutely no desire to get in your pants.
Please don't disappear on us again...that girl doesn't have to be around for you to come see your family, you know...
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Boy
Please! PLEASE! Drive carefully and take care of her. You are the first person I have let drive her since she became mine...It's not that I don't think you are a good driver...and I know you are running a business, so you will be responsible....I think it's just that she's so far away...without me...*whimper*
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Boy
You should not drive so fast around me. It just makes me want to floor it...and while fast driving does tingle my bits, a ticket (or worse) would not.
Also...I've been thinking, and as much as it pains me to say it... ...
*cough*I'mafraidyourtruckwouldsmokemycarfromadeadstandstill.*cough*
Looove[regretfully],
Kimmie.
P.S. Nobody likes a show-off. Hmph...
4.16.2011
Dear Drunks
It is NOT okay to ask the waitress where the new dildo shop is. Also, it's not polite to discuss orgasms...or lack there of...at the table.
Looove,
Kimmie.
P. S. Ask the waitress to bring me some more sweet tea, would ya? I've asked 3 times...apparently she's thinking about dildos... *sigh*
4.14.2011
Dear Dude
I would like to...uh...how did you put it..."ride you like seabiscuit".
No lie.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Penis
I have begun to forget what you look like...This morning, I found a picture on my phone...and boy do I hope that you don't all look like that. It's kinda disappointing.
Oops.
Looove[anyway],
Kimmie.
4.13.2011
Dear 2:00PM
I hate you. Especially on a Wednesday when I have to relieve drive thru, and we are already short-handed a teller and a loan clerk, so I have to fulfill the duties of both.
Have I mentioned that I hate you?
[No]Looove[at all],
Kimmie.
Dear Lady
You are so cute, and always so sweet. Today, I think for the first time, I noticed your outstanding style. You came to the bank dressed in cream-colored, satiny pajama pants (with hot pink cotton shorts over them) and your blue flower-y pajama top (covered by a red flower-y smock type thing). I only hope I have style like you when I get to be 80.
I mean no disrespect, as I think you are so cute that I would like to just pick you up and hug you...but I couldn't stop giggling at those hot pink shorts!
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Person
I can't stop giggling. You proved my point. You think about it as much as I do. *giggle* (Ain't I cute all giggly?) ;)
Looove,
Kimmie.
4.12.2011
Dear Night
You always remind me what I love about the country. No sounds except for the crickets chirping. A clear view of the star-filled southern sky. If I was a betting girl, I would bet this is what heaven is like.
The only thing that's missing is a blanket on the ground and someone holding my hand.
Thank you for calming my soul.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Stooges
How do you lose a whole box of quarters? It's bigger than a brick, orange, and weighs a ton...
Get your act together...
Also...thanks for the money that no one signed for. I need some fancy ass rims for my car! :)
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Sir
This morning, while I was slacking at work (because I'm obviously not still slacking...), I was looking through my email archives at some messages between you and I from a few months back...
It's pretty ridiculous how much they still make me smile and giggle...
I miss good conversation. Let's hang out.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Woman
Sometimes, I think you talk just to hear the sound of your own voice. Please...just take a deep breath...
...and shut the hell up.
Thanks.
Looove,
Kimmie.
Dear Dryer
Why must you do such horrendous things to my bras?!?! The first time I forget they are in with my wet laundry, and dry them along with the rest of my clothes, you wreak havoc. Wtf?! Not cool!!
How does a bra fucking shrink?!
Ugh!!
[Absolutely no]Looove,
Kimmie.
4.11.2011
Dear Boy
I have no idea who you are, but you are amazing. You need to come back, for really reals...not just in dreamland.
You have, quite possibly, the most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen in my life...and the softest lips...and perfect jaw line...
Oh. Muh. Guh. Come back, please.
Looove,
Kimmie.
4.10.2011
Dear Friend
You are amazingly awesome. You have been there for me...listening when I had husband drama, and now when I just want to ramble about anything(or one) and everything(or one).
Oh! And thank you times a millionty for opening your home & shower to me while we have no water.
You are definitely at the top of the super short list of my very best friends.
...and to think...I didn't think I'd like you at all when I first met you. Boy was I wrong! I love you, A.M.R.I.B.P.I.P. II!
Looove,
Kimmie.